Week Five – Lesson Five – Forgiveness and Release

Week Five – Lesson Five – Forgiveness and Release

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Prelude

Forgiving is a serious business because it is basically for our own spiritual, emotional and physical benefit. We may or may not establish a new relationship with the person who injured us; that is not the heart of forgiveness. When we forgive, we finally stop hurting ourselves, hand the whole matter over to God.

Indeed, forgiving is a serious business. We may find that the person we have to forgive has passed on, it might be someone standing in our midst or a stranger, or it might be ourselves standing stoically – silent.

The only element each of these examples share is that forgiveness leads to healing.

At a time of severe loss, it is natural to accuse or blame the circumstances, people, life, oneself or another for the tragedy, using the accusations to conceal if not deny the new reality that has unfolded in our lives.

Forgiveness keeps us from being consumed by anger, fear, and hate over our loss – however deep our grief and tragic our loss.

Part One – Forgiving Another

In the grieving process it is necessary to honor the forgiveness we extended during our time together with a loved one and to look at how we can now extend that healing grace to others. And do you know, reaching out to others is not altruistic?

It is in forgiving that we are forgiven and healed.

Let me cite three examples.

The first concerns my father. He came to live with us after my sister died.

Hardly a day went by without his mentioning deep anger with his father for the abuse that he, his mother, and his siblings faced during my grandfather’s alcoholic bouts.

The anger was so vivid he carried it as if it were a treasure to be guarded at all costs.

Clearly, it had taken its toll in that my father had few if any friends — except for my mother.

One day as I was driving him home from Starbucks, I interrupted his daily tirade against his long-departed father and asked, “I know the unhappiness your father caused, but tell me something funny you experienced with him.”

He paused, looked at me for what seemed minutes, and then he described an experience with his father that occurred when he was eight years old.

His father had rented a horse and wagon to sell a shipment of bananas to the local inhabitants of the tenements in the South Bronx.

The horse was blind and on its head it wore a straw hat. It swayed as they made their way down the street, with my father shouting, “Bananas for sale.”

Unfortunately, my grandfather’s attempt at becoming an entrepreneur along the lines of the founders of United Fruit was not successful.

Though he had lined up cheap labor, transportation, and a product, the blind horse had a voracious appetite and consumed the profits.

An amazing healing occurred as he recounted this experience with a smile. My father was freed from the anger he carried for so many years.

He never again mentioned the hatred he once held for his father. He had forgiven him.

* * * *
The second incident concerns Donna’s sudden passing in that tragic accident, I felt no anger at the Creator, the fellow who hit her, the hospital attendants, etc.—though I was deeply distraught.

I let it go with the thought that at two hundred thousand feet above, the situation might make more sense, even though at sea level I couldn’t do much more than accept.

 I also knew from my father what anger could do to delay my healing and recovery.

My father proved to be the teacher that I needed to drive home this truth.

When I learned that the man who drove into Donna died himself after three months in hospice, I prayed for him.

* * * *

The third instance, took place many years earlier, when someone close betrayed my friendship.

The experience is so vivid to me even now that I flinch in reaction to it.

I thought that over time I had made a remarkable recovery and I could have passed a polygraph had I been asked if I had forgiven the trespasser.

Not long ago, a close friend, upon hearing of this transgression, suggested that I ask my former friend—with whom I had had no contact in almost forty years—for his forgiveness for not forgiving him fully, as it was clear to her that I still harbored wounds from the past.

I was overwhelmed by her suggestion.

I tracked down the fellow, left a voice message, and he returned the call days later.

When I stated the reason for my call, he and I were both emotionally overcome. We met for lunch a couple of weeks later and both witnessed the fruits of the healing process.

Stealing Zoos celebrates the power of forgiveness and brings that same energy to the words in the Lord’s Prayer – Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

A load whose weight I had disguised for years, had been lifted.

Stealing Zoos

I stole into the zoo last night,
Unlocked the cage
To a mighty beast
Confined for thirty years.

He was jet black
With a greasy peppered coat,
Eyes so dark, if not bloodshot
I would have missed their intensity.

It took some boldness on my part
To prod him into the moonlight
Long vicious teeth
Sought to keep me at bay.

I persisted stubbornly—
And with determination
Amid his wailing, gnashing, hissing,
Snapping, feints, and lunges.

Outside the shadow corners of my soul,
He seemed listless, and
Sought in vain refuge
In a spacious field of flowers.

Over his massive shoulder
He clutched a ragged, once-bulging sack
To contain the anger, hate, and betrayal
Of a forgotten past.

I pulled tight a cloak of
Love, compassion, and forgiveness,
As he evaporated into
A golden mist of light.

What kept me from stealing
Into the zoo earlier?

Is there someone in your life you have not forgiven?

Part Two – Forgiving Oneself

There have been times in my life – thankfully not too many though once is enough – when I have had to forgive myself. Directly related to the sudden loss of my spouse, I took on this terrible guilt that I was responsible for her death. 

How could I possibly conclude that I was responsible for the distracted driver entering an avenue of traffic and hitting both my wife and son in a crosswalk in the afternoon on a clear day?

Well, let me give you the background. An hour before the accident, Donna and I were talking cell-phone-to-cell-phone about the building project on our hilltop property in West Virginia.

She wanted to proceed with a general contractor agreement with someone who would oversee the project.

Though we already had signed an agreement to have the property cleared, Donna wanted to fold this project into the general contractor’s contract and thus grant him ten percent of this contract as well. 

Not an unreasonable suggestion, yet I resisted rushing into this and Donna expressed her disappointment over my note of caution. 

After the accident I decided that our last conversation served to distract her as she crossed the street, and that is why she and our son were struck down.

I released the gentleman at the wheel of the vehicle of his responsibility, assumed it myself.

See how the mind works and accuses?

So the question is, can the heart ever be so accusatory or heartless?

I shared my remorse with my older son who dismissed my reasoning, and displayed a gentle understanding and acceptance of the circumstances, and conveyed that forcefully and compassionately to me.

Spend some time considering when your mind has been quick to accuse you – perhaps even in the circumstances leading up to and following the loss and grief you are experiencing.

Without suggesting that you prepare a legal brief or a formal defense, discover if there are events in your life for which up until now you have not been able to forgive yourself.

Make note of them in your journal.

Compose a letter from the heart noting reasons for this long-held indictment.

Then, in a ceremony alone, release the letter to the elements or burn it.

Part Three – Ritual of Forgiveness

Of course you are all aware of rituals tied to forgiveness from the Catholic tradition of confessing transgressions to a priest in private to the communal act in the Jewish tradition.

I am not suggesting the same, but rather inviting you to create where appropriate your own ritual for release of guilt’s grip, real or imagined.

Years after my wife passed away, one of my daughters visited me and in the course of a rather even discussion about life, without warning she began to tear up and sob quietly when I mentioned casually her mother.

When she gathered herself, I asked her how she was doing with her grief. It took a few minutes for her to respond. Through tears she said that when she had talked to her mother last – two months before she died, my daughter had a strong sense that she would never see her again.

Importantly, this daughter was having a difficult time getting her life in order – if that is the word.

Gently, I suggested that perhaps she was burdened by the fact that she never bid farewell to her mother.

Her nod confirmed this. So I suggested that she write a letter to her mother, explain who she is now and how she is doing, and how sorry that she did not call before her death.

And then, I said, once the letter is written and she has read it prayerfully, she should arrange to burn it as a ritual sign of closure.

That is ritual. And you can create your own and not have to rely upon what is found in an ancient text to gain release and obtain forgiveness in the heart for a perceived failing that has haunted you to the present, much like I would have undertaken with the guilt in causing Donna’s distraction, until my son comforted me and brought me to reasonableness.

So become introspective for a moment and see if there are a few lingering hurts for which you seek forgiveness – especially with the loved one that has passed.

Create your own ritual that will be meaning for you in your search for closure that incorporates your sorrow and need for release and forgiveness.

Part Four – Freeing the Future

What do I mean by freeing the future?

I think you will agree at the time of loss and in the midst of grieving there is an inclination to continue to move forward as if the loss did not occur.

Actually, there is not much movement. It is more like walking in place and seeing the scenery about you moving past in synchronization with your futile steps.

If you can relate to this situation – feel that you are still walking in place – don’t be surprised if you receive a grand invitation to let go, detach from the past that is an illusion, and embrace the present time.

Surely the landscape has changed. Some of your past companions might have also moved on to be replaced by others that you might not yet have acknowledged in your presence.

In detaching from the past, you acknowledge that you are embarking on a path that leads through terrain you have not traveled previously. It appears that an adventure awaits you.

You might discover that the wind is stiff – even cold – at times; however, at the higher altitudes the view is spectacular.

Patience is called for on this phase of your trek; perseverance accompanies to replace former companions who might have remained at a lower altitude.

Yet, your inner guide encourages you forward as an explorer was encouraged to cross uncharted seas in the past.

All your investment in the fullness of forgiveness has led to this point in time where your vision of yourself and others is no longer impaired.

You have literally removed a heavy pack that limited your movement and ability to climb higher.

* * * *

I want to share with you a melody that was sent to me blind soon after the death of my spouse. I say blind because I did not know the sender.

As I headed off to pick up my son at soccer practice, I inserted the CD into the car player and listened as I drove down the hill from our home in West Virginia. I remember tearing up immediately as Caledonia was sung, and it was not a geographic location about which I was reminded, but the love I shared with my spouse and the love I sought in those around me.

Listen to the recording, and read the lyrics below.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v28is4jFWeo&feature=related

Select those verses that might prompt a deeper reflection on love lost and found, remembering at the same time what love is as described above in the Scripture quote.

Caledonia

I don't know if you can see
The changes that have come over me
These last few days I've been ‘fraid
That I might drift away.

I've been telling old stories, singing songs
That make me think about where I’ve come from
That's the reason why I seem so far away today.

Let me tell you that I love you
And I think about you all the time
Caledonia, you’re calling me.
Now I'm going home!

But if I should become a stranger
Know it would make me more than sad
Caledonia has been everything I ever had.

I have moved and I kept on moving,
Proved the points that I needed proving
Lost the friends that I needed loosing,
Found others on the way.

I’ve kissed the fellows and left them crying,
Stolen dreams, yes, there's no denying,
I've travelled hard, sometimes with conscious flying,
Somewhere with the wind.

Let me tell you that I love you,
That I think about you all the time
Caledonia, you’re calling me.
Now I’m going home.

But if should become a stranger,
You know it would make me more than sad
Caledonia has been everything I ever had.

I'm sitting here before the fire
The empty room, the forest quiet
The flames have cooled – don’t get any higher
They withered, now they've gone.

But I'm steady thinking my way is clear
And I know what I will do tomorrow
When the hands have shaken and the kisses flow
Now I will disappear.

Let me tell you that I love you
And I think about you all the time
Caledonia, you’re calling me.
Now I'm going home!

But if should become a stranger,
You know it would make me more than sad
Caledonia has been everything I ever had.

Caledonia has been everything I ever had.
Caledonia has been everything I ever had.
Caledonia has been everything I ever had.

Spend some time describing the view from the higher altitude as it relates to you, those closest to you, and those you hope to find.

You see this exercise is about people – you included.

Part Five

The following are the lessons and activities for this week.

Sometimes our familiarity with an art expression results in our missing the inner heart existent in a musical creation. So what follows is a sampling of what might not be familiar. I encourage you to watch and listen to the following and observe the intensity and artistry of the musicians – reflective of the healing evident in the music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gWCiLexilY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpfvAfg8Qkk&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxzEjVaILlM&feature=related

Discover how you can connect your healing with music.

Check your matrix for Week #5