The Rules of Engaging Grief

A couple of days ago, I shared with a fellow an experience in India many years ago,
when my wife and I attended a Marriage Encounter Weekend, conducted by a dear friend
and Jesuit Missionary, Pepe Casasnovas, S.J.

During the weekend we learned a powerful tool in relationship development that we practised
for years. Briefly, it consists of selecting daily a topic related to one’s feelings, write on the
topic for ten minutes in the course of the day, and then come together later to share the results
for ten minutes. The process became known as the ten and ten.

I can recall Donna and I writing once about how we felt when it rained. Donna expressed how
she became depressed when it rained — understandable since she was raised in Bremerton, WA
where it always rained. (It was once said that people from Seattle didn’t tan, they rusted!)

Contrary to Donna, I feel exhilerated in the rain. As a young man I was on a rowing team and rain
indicated that we would be rowing on flat water — a delightful experience.

My point to this gentleman was that 10 and 10’s served to establish a line of communication between
partners in a committed relationship that served them both well especially when the subject to share
was more serious than falling rain on my head.

For those seeking to deepen your relationship with the other, I heartily recommend you investigate at
any age Marriage Encounter (www.wwme.org) for resources that might deepen your relationship skills.

I wrote the following poem after listening to a friend describe how their marriage of long standing had
evolved from the chaos evident when I first me them almost forty years ago to the quiet of skilled listening
in mutual respect and love. I hope you catch the drift.
How Do You Listen?

Years earlier they spoke
Loudly past each other –
Their hearing young.

Effortless back then
To create clamor,
Chaos with words,

Like an ascending wave in silence
That fills the horizon before shattering
Against the base of stone cliffs

Now still – together, a life time later,
No expression adequate to describe
Their journey — they sit alongside,

Conscious they become quiet,
Attentive, even pensive –
Their listening young.