The Rules of Engaging Grief

The following is taken from a letter I wrote from Kabul in 2005 where I served for several months.

At lunch today I shared with my Sufi friend this quote from Tao Te Ching –

One person embraces the flow of time, and let’s the passing years bring new wisdom. This person becomes a sage. Another person sometimes follows the unfolding path, but keeps drawing back into familiar habits. This person struggles all his life. The third person rejects the path of wisdom altogether and clings tenaciously to youth, ridiculing the aged and vowing “never to get old.” Bitterness lurks just around the corner.

In our continuing dialogue, my friend explained the Sufi four steps to illumination: 1.We see from behind a wall smoke rising and speculate that there is a fire and someone is cooking over it. 2. We climb the wall and see the flames. 3. We draw near and feel warmth. 4. We enter the fire and are burned and only then do we understand truly the meaning of fire.

Applying the wisdom my friend conveyed to me, I shared a discovery of sorts when I realized that Donna’s loss deep down — so deep down — affected me so that I don’t ever want to lose anyone again. Yet that is the fire that I have entered realizing that I must let go and accept loss as the core issue it is for me. After a pause, my friend said that he hopes never to enter that fire.

On a lighter note — almost — he shared the wisdom of Hafiz, another Sufi master, about to understand life we must sit at the very edge of stream that represents the stream of life. We must watch it go by, not attempting to divert the stream, just to be in the Now and observe it, and in being so we reach a timeless and space-less dimension that is eternal.

So much for my light moments in the mountains of Afghanistan where I reflect upon the meaning of love as in the following poem I wrote.

Eagles

The Old Man says the best way to spy
An Eagle in the desert is not to look –
To empty the mind of all expectation.

Why? I ask.

The Sun glares blinding light skyward,
The Heat shimmers distort
Your field of vision in the high noon.
Perspiration trickles through an eyebrow
And sting-shuts the visual.

But my question, Sir,
Is not about Eagles but of Love,
Or is there a difference?