The Rules of Engaging Grief

From soon-to-be published Rules For Engaging Grief: A Journey To Further Still the following is one of the thirty-nine rules, together with the reflection and exercise for your consideration.
Share your thoughts, if you are so moved.

Rule # 4 — Awakening in a “dark wood” as Dante writes in the opening lines of the Divine Comedy – be assured that you are not lost.

Reflection — In the time immediately after Donna’s passing, I began rereading David Whyte’s The Heart Aroused[1]. Whyte is a Welch poet who resides in the United States and conducts seminars for the business community, introducing concepts on how to encourage a creative environment among corporate managers. The translation above is taken from Whyte’s translation of Dante’s opening lines.

I could immediately identify with the words because indeed I was in middle life – even later unless I was to equal in years some of the biblical elders – and I had found myself on a life path that I did not expect and for which I was unprepared. Further, my surroundings were dark indeed without Donna.

It was not long after rediscovering this passage and identifying with its description of my situation when I learned from a colleague that a therapist worked with him using the Divine Comedy to heal his Vietnam-inducted post-traumatic stress syndrome. As I reflected deeply on the passage, I learned much about myself and coping with my situation.
Most of all, I learned that I was not lost – just disoriented in the new surroundings. I came to accept that I was where I was supposed to be. I wondered where I had heard this truth before, perhaps from one of Tom Brown’s books[2] outlining the initiation process in a vision quest. This same colleague counseled me to remain for a time “in the wood” – there was no rush to exit.
And so, I became determined to take it all in — the sounds of my racing heart, the smell of fear, the void of light, the deep sadness of losing my mate and the tears – everything. Returning from a walk before dawn, I knelt before a set of chimes that Donna had placed in the ground before our home and I struck the chimes in a quick, methodical beat, filling the immediate area with the sounds of a new dawn.
I have since come to appreciate that indeed I was not lost, just in the process of gaining my balance in order to resume my journey. But before I did so, I also came to understand that there were many treasures for me to discover in the darkness, including acceptance, faith, compassion, resilience, commitment, strength, and patience – all of these gifts triggered by my loss — if I was willing.
Ever vigilant, some would say protective, my initial reaction to her passing was to ask myself was there anything I could do for her. Left Behind describes my confusion and determination. It was written soon after her death.Exercise #4 – As a child I used to adjust to the darkness by lying still and listening. Not a bad formula for an adult! What works for you?
Find a place to sit quietly in a dark room where you will not be disturbed. Spend some time quietly clearing your mind of the events of the day. When you are settled and your breathing is steady and relaxed, imagine that you are in a treasure chamber of dreams. What do you “see” awaiting your touch? Be sure to note what you observe when the lights go on.