Oct
26
2006
Have I been left behind,
Or am I following too close?
Hard to say in this dark wood
Where the path seems lost. Listen for the footfall.
Catch a glimpse
Of the shadow guide
Somewhere up ahead –
Or quite alongside.
I risked being left, even lost
Had I not abandoned
All for the chase –
A captive taken unaware and
I in precious pursuit.
I sense they are just footsteps early.
Once I imagined time slowing
To accommodate eternity –
And it did, but I too often
Browsed and groused the future.
Returning Now, I Am,
Not was, nor will I be.
Perhaps, my goal is not before me
But within — where spirals meet.
Oct
26
2006
Meditations
Nel mezzo . . . del cammin . . . de nostra vita . . . I retrovai . . . per un oscure selva.
In the middle of the road of my life
I awoke in a dark wood
Where the true way was wholly lost.
Prayer – Help me to grasp the meaning of these words that come down to me from the past.
Response – You are yet to understand with confidence that I am there to reach you in whatever your circumstances. If you read literature, I am there providing you what you need to progress along the path. If you were a car mechanic, an engineer, a fellow stocking shelves, a home maker, an artist, I am there as well. Your obligation is to pause and listen.
Oct
24
2006
From soon-to-be published Rules For Engaging Grief: A Journey To Further Still the following is one of the thirty-nine rules, together with the reflection and exercise for your consideration.
Share your thoughts, if you are so moved.
Rule # 4 — Awakening in a “dark wood” as Dante writes in the opening lines of the Divine Comedy – be assured that you are not lost.
Reflection — In the time immediately after Donna’s passing, I began rereading David Whyte’s The Heart Aroused[1]. Whyte is a Welch poet who resides in the United States and conducts seminars for the business community, introducing concepts on how to encourage a creative environment among corporate managers. The translation above is taken from Whyte’s translation of Dante’s opening lines.
I could immediately identify with the words because indeed I was in middle life – even later unless I was to equal in years some of the biblical elders – and I had found myself on a life path that I did not expect and for which I was unprepared. Further, my surroundings were dark indeed without Donna.
It was not long after rediscovering this passage and identifying with its description of my situation when I learned from a colleague that a therapist worked with him using the Divine Comedy to heal his Vietnam-inducted post-traumatic stress syndrome. As I reflected deeply on the passage, I learned much about myself and coping with my situation.
Most of all, I learned that I was not lost – just disoriented in the new surroundings. I came to accept that I was where I was supposed to be. I wondered where I had heard this truth before, perhaps from one of Tom Brown’s books[2] outlining the initiation process in a vision quest. This same colleague counseled me to remain for a time “in the wood” – there was no rush to exit.
And so, I became determined to take it all in — the sounds of my racing heart, the smell of fear, the void of light, the deep sadness of losing my mate and the tears – everything. Returning from a walk before dawn, I knelt before a set of chimes that Donna had placed in the ground before our home and I struck the chimes in a quick, methodical beat, filling the immediate area with the sounds of a new dawn.
I have since come to appreciate that indeed I was not lost, just in the process of gaining my balance in order to resume my journey. But before I did so, I also came to understand that there were many treasures for me to discover in the darkness, including acceptance, faith, compassion, resilience, commitment, strength, and patience – all of these gifts triggered by my loss — if I was willing.
Ever vigilant, some would say protective, my initial reaction to her passing was to ask myself was there anything I could do for her. Left Behind describes my confusion and determination. It was written soon after her death.Exercise #4 – As a child I used to adjust to the darkness by lying still and listening. Not a bad formula for an adult! What works for you?
Find a place to sit quietly in a dark room where you will not be disturbed. Spend some time quietly clearing your mind of the events of the day. When you are settled and your breathing is steady and relaxed, imagine that you are in a treasure chamber of dreams. What do you “see” awaiting your touch? Be sure to note what you observe when the lights go on.
[1] Whyte, David; The Heart Aroused; Doubleday, New York, 1994
[2] For an introduction to Tom Brown’s books see The Quest, A Berkley Book, New York, NY, 1991
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Oct
19
2006
I wrote the following poem in West Virginia on the first anniversary of Donna’s death. Later in this volume I explain how time began to lose its “timeliness” in that it was difficult to believe that my friend had left a year earlier.
“Cherry Blossoms”
The cherry blossoms
Coming into bloom
Remind me
That one year has passed
Since you departed
From our view.
I remember last year,
Just after your passing,
How sad I felt to think
That you had just missed
The blossoms –
After the harsh winter snows.
Perhaps in my sorrow –
Too soon to see the meaning –
I missed them
As a sign for us
To celebrate your transition
To the Light.
This year in joy the blossoms
Remind me of your presence
Just below the surface
Of words, time, and events –
Of love rising in union,
A resurrection of sorts.
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Oct
19
2006
Foreword
I lost Donna, my spouse of 39 years, when a car struck her as she walked across the street holding my son Christopher’s hand. They were on their way to his First Holy Reconciliation, a preparatory rite in the Catholic Church before he received Holy Communion, days before Passion Sunday. They were 60 feet from the main entrance of the church.
I have written this book to share my journey in dealing with grief for those who have lost someone – spouse, child, parent, or friend – in the hope that some of what I learned will help to ease or facilitate the reader’s healing and return to emotional stability. Though I contributed to the raising of four girls and lived with Donna for so long, I make no claim to understanding yet my feminine counter-part. So I would not be surprised if what I have to say resonates with men who might have more difficulty expressing, even discovering the depth of their emotions.
Recently, I attended a fifty year high school reunion. One of my classmates announced the title of my recently published book of poetry – Searching Sand Crabs In The Dark saying that there were not many former CIA case officers who write poetry. Poetry is a way for me to access the deepest recesses of my heart. So in the pages that follow, in addition to the rules, the reader will find my poetry, readings from the masters that I have come upon, and personal reflections, insights, and observations related to loss and rejection, as well as exercises after each Rule. My suggestion is that the reader record and date his/her thoughts in the blank pages provided following each exercise.
Terry Douglas
Sandbridge, Virginia
September 1, 2006
